Making eye contact was impossible. I could feel everyone judging me.
Shame crawled under my skin. It seemed to get stuck where my clothes were too tight. A not-so-kind reminded me of how fat I was.
I couldn’t figure out if losing weight was impossible?
Or trying to get myself to lose weight was impossible?
It didn’t matter because I ended up in the same place.
There was a game I played in my head called, “Let’s pretend we are going to lose weight and change our life.”
I would daydream all the time what my life would be like once I lost all the fat. You know…how after losing the weight I would start living the REAL LIFE I was meant to live.
The life where you flip back the clock and look younger…feel desired…move confidently…and enjoy life as an adventure.
Instead of feeling the dull anxiety looping in the background all the time. Has the anxiety gone away? Or have you just gotten used to it?
The reality was I could not handle another roller coaster weight loss fail.
Sure…I could get myself to stick to a diet for a little while. But it was always the same. I knew after a couple of weeks I would go on a binge.
If there was an award for erasing progress I would have been standing on the mountain with a big golden crown floating down from the heavens.
I could not ignore the truth anymore.
I was going to end up fat and die alone.
That’s when the dark thoughts started to take over and become louder.
I had tried to lose weight so many times.
I tried every diet and exercise program there was.
Of course I got some results.
But I could never keep them.
I (secretly) wondered if the problem was me. The problem felt like it was hidden deeper. There seemed to be something invisible controlling me. I didn't feel like I had control of myself.
Self-Sabotage…check.
Weak Willpower…check.
Dead Discipline…double check.
Motivation? Only in my head. Check…check…check!
What’s interesting is I was no stranger to Self-Sabotage, Weak Willpower, and a lack of Discipline.
I battled these demons all the time in different ways. Even before March 26th, 1997.
Why the specific date?
Well…on March 26th, 1997, two things happened…